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Archive for the ‘Personal Thoughts…’ Category

When will it end?

"Quintessence of compassion"

“Quintessence of compassion” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was so disheartened when I ran home tonight for my dinner break to see the headlines down in a neighborhood by  Texas A & M…

When will we start to look at domestic terrorism, gun control, the mental health system, campus violence, etc?  When are we going to identify the crisis of conscience?  Apparently law enforcement went to deliver an eviction notice and they were fired upon from inside the residence.

I worry.  I have some I love dearly who is a police officer.  This officer was going about doing something mundane and a part of their everyday job.  And another person, a bystander, killed for being in the “wrong place at the wrong time….”  not that that ever comforted anyone.

And why does this shooting get national attention while shootings in neighborhoods of minorities of all sorts, of the disenfranchised, of  those who are disadvantaged, are tolerated and we accept “that’s just the way it is?”

It break my heart to know that another community is shaken to its core.  More families are grieving.  More students will feel unsafe, in the very place we entrust them to learn and foster a new and educated population.

How did we foster a world where the only answer is to get on the internet and buy SWAT equipment and tear gas?

I used to believe that people wanted to get better, that they wanted to flourish, live the good life as best as they can.

I guess I used to be really naive.  But I grew up to say please and thank you, to be of service to the old and infirmed.

And even as I type these words, I think about the violence that so many of us do to ourselves. .  . the hatred and  vitriol of our own thinking and judgments of our selves.

The family violence.

The broken communities.

I think about the terrible pain that is in our world, our communities, and in our hearts and minds.

Oṃ Tāre Tuttāre Ture Svāhā

Wildmind.org says this about this mantra. . .”in particular she represents compassion in action, since she’s in the process of stepping from her lotus throne in order to help sentient beings.”

I think that for the next few weeks, this will be my mantra though it’s not my normal mantra.  But this is also not normal times.  Tara is a bodhisttva of compassion.  Her name means “she who ferries” and I think the mantra is appropriate.  We feel like we are shuffling along and a desert shore, thirsty and trying to get to the sea in order to heal ourselves.  But we are blinded by the sun and parched from the heat.  Our shoreline is crumbling beneath us and we are searching.

Perhaps Tara will hear our prayers and hearts and disillusionment.  Perhaps she will come to bring us to a new land where compassion is fostered, not hatred.  Where we don’t worry about who marries whom or fight over feeding children and the elderly.

I’m not much for believing in mythology being real but I think we need to look at the metaphors for our times.  I don’t think it is any surprise that we are seeing all kinds of superhero movies.  We want to be saved from a world we think is unstable.  But we need to stop searching “out there” for someone to save us and look instead at our own motivations and aspirations.  I don’t think that the Hulk or Iron Man are the answer though… Though, Tony Starks is a bit of a dream.

We need to really take up the cause of our true heroes. . . HH the Dalai Lama, Rosa Parks, Mother Teresa, Ghandi, Thich Nhat Hanh, Martin Luther King Jr, JF Kennedy . . . whomever it is. . . we need to stop posting their quotes on facebook and instead, start living our lives modeled after our idols out there on the street and in our own heart/mind.

We can be our own Tara, our own version of a bodhisattva of compassion.  We are here and now and we are a being that is always moving forward and looking backwards.  Perhaps we can bridge the shore that we are on with a bridge to a more compassionate land.

For the families and individuals who were affected by today’s shooting.  To the kids who will be starting school all over the country next week, I wish for them peace, safety, comfort, lovingkindness, and deep abiding calm.

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“Every human being wants to love and be loved.  This is very natural.  But often love, desire, need, and fear get wrapped up all together.  There are so many songs with the words, “I love you; I need you.”  Such lyrics imply that loving and craving are the same thing, and that the other person is just there to fulfill our needs.  We might feel we can’t survive without the other person.  When we say, “Darling, I can’t live without you.  I need you,” we think we’re speaking the language of love.  We even feel it’s a compliment to the other person.  But that need is actually a continuation of the original fear and desire that have been with us since we were small children.”

~~Thich Nhat Hanh, Fidelity:  How to Create a Loving Relationship that Lasts

I was sick last week and did not get to post this. . . Aug 2nd was my parents’ 52 wedding anniversary.  I wish that everyone could experience the ups and downs that they have and the bond that has kept them together.

Much love and deep bows of gratitude to Bob & Judy Stevens.  Thank you for all the love, sacrifice, and compassion they have fostered in our family!

Namaste, Jennifer

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Wow, this summer has been 10 times crazier than I ever would have thought.  I snapped the photo above when I was running errands about 10 days ago.  Even when it’s busy, you’ve gotta stop and check out the clouds… it’s been too hot for a lot of stopping and smelling those proverbial roses.

I’m getting ready to teach General Psych for the first time this fall.  I start in less than 3 weeks and it is a LOT of work, on top of dissertation work and working a stressful 40 hour work week.

So, I have to admit that this blog has suffered.  And I thank all of you who stopped by, left me messages, checked to see if I was okay, etc.  I really enjoy doing the blog and unfortunately, there are only a few things in life that I can put on the back burner.

I’m thinking the Fall will be just as busy but I will do my best to find still, clear moments to share things I’ve read, videos I’ve watched, etc.

I’ve just re-watched Clara’s Heart with Whoopi Goldberg and Neil Patrick Harris several days ago when I was home with a migraine.  It’s the story of several losses and how everyone involved deals with their losses.  And well, it’s fun to see Neil Patrick Harris as a little boy.  If you have Netflix check it out.

I picked up a new book for my Kindle. . . The Wisdom of Listening by Mark Brady.  I have to say that I am really enjoying the few stolen moments that I find to read a couple of passages.

In this book, Mark states,

Once you have the attitude in your mind and heart, no matter how distressing your work environment, you can be really happy. . . Before beginning your daily meditations, spend some time reflecting on the suffering in the world, or your friends’ or patients’ suffering, and as their suffering touches and opens your heart, let your compassion grow even deeper, and your intentions to help even stronger.”

There is a lot of suffering that goes on at my full time job.  Our direct care staff work long hard hours with little gratitude.  We work with very difficult clients and there isn’t a day that goes by that their shifts are probably not very demanding.

Add on top of that all kinds of threats in the last year. . . the Governor will close your site.  The Governor is going to take a big chunk of your pay.

And then there is the world at large that might not impact us day to day but it does wear on our psyche. . . a new shooting today in neighboring WI. . . because someone’s religious beliefs and looks were different.

And a few weeks ago, another shooting in Colorado. . . in Aurora which is not that far from Columbine and it is the story of many systems going wrong. . . the mental health system, schools, enforcement of gun control or the lack thereof.

Of course, there is also the hostility that is the backdrop of most elections. . .

The Buddha was so wise is saying that our problem was suffering and illusion.  We can spend a lot of time focused on the lack, the need, the pain, etc.

But I like Mark’s reframe in this quote.  It’s much like the concepts of metta and tonglen.  We cannot ignore or be ignorant of the pain and suffering in the world.  If we do, we can become foolish or calloused.

But we cannot fret and let the world paralyze us or worse, make us wall off our hearts.

So what do we do?  We walk the middle path. . . we acknowledge the suffering in the world, we hold it close and let it fill us with compassion so that our hearts break open to hold more.

There is so much pain in the world and sometimes it feels like not nearly enough love.  So, when we look at holding compassion and lovingkindness for those who suffer, are filled with fear, are alone, etc., we generate lovingkindness in its midst.  We create love because of the suffering of others.

I know that some will say that just praying for people doesn’t do any real good.  I would disagree.  I don’t know if praying for some different outcome will work, but opening your heart and allowing it to expand to hold much more can never be wrong.

So, before you settle in with a difficult situation, a full schedule, chronic pain, heart break, and other craziness in the world, take those 10 minutes to sit with the suffering on a global level and allow it to touch your innermost essence.  And allow the space for your essence to foster new and deeper love as well.

May all beings be free from suffering and the root of suffering.

JRS

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Compassion doesn’t always mean being nice to people. Sometimes the best thing you can do in a situation is to be rough with someone. We have to be balanced in accord with each situation.

~~Gerry Shishin Wick Sensei, “Zen in the Workplace: Approaches to Mindful Management”

I usually post quotes that I agree with, that inspire me, touch me, etc.

This one did touch me, but not in the usual way.

I totally agree that being compassionate doesn’t always mean being nice.

That was a hard thing to learn as a young therapist so many years ago.

Compassion some times mean being honest, telling someone things they don’t want to hear.

I wanted to be a therapist because of the work of Carl Rogers.

I loved the idea of the therapist’s office being a safe place where the therapist and the client could come together, be honest, and genuine.

Imagine what it would be like to not have to keep up the pretenses, not have to wear the masks, etc.

So I guess you could say that my philosophy was WYSIWYG. . . What you see is what you get.

I don’t apologize for this either.

But then there is the next sentence of Sensei’s quote.

Sometimes the best thing you can do in a situation is be rough with someone.

What does that mean?

I don’t think there is ever a good time to be rough with someone…

Now, may Sensei means being honest, being congruent, “telling it like it is”. . . we can do all that with compassion.

But I don’t consider that being rough.  Is there ever a time when we have the right to be rough with someone?  I know that I have been at my job that I know have.

I get tired of programs not being run and people not being held accountable.  But me getting “rough” with someone has never done me any good.

I have a friend who always says it’s all about the relationships and I tend to believe her.

That doesn’t mean I always take the time or muster the energy, but I think it’s something that I and all of us need to work toward.

There has never been a time that I got “rough” with someone, lost my temper, or did not temper my words with a deep breath, some restraint, or mindfulness that I did not regret the situation for a while after the scene.

So maybe this is a good koan to sit with for a while.

Can you be compassionate and rough?

What does rough mean?

Is there ever a time that we are justified in doing more than being honest and congruent?

What if being angry at someone or heavy-handed is what your feeling and therefore congruent.

What about things like Marshall Rosenthal’s Nonviolent Communication?

A lot of things to unwrap in this little package.

Would love to hear what you think.

Please drop a comment and share how this strikes you.

Peace, Jennifer

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Atisha with Twenty-eight of the Eighty-four Ma...

Atisha with Twenty-eight of the Eighty-four Mahasiddhas. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Your life span, like that of all living beings, is not fixed

Your life span, like that of all living beings, is not fixed

I had a client that had major complications after a surgery that was supposed to be “routine”.  Multiple systems shutting down and getting restored which shut down other systems, etc.  It was like a negative feedback loop for a while.

We were sure that she was going to die.  I was totally convinced.  I was the hospice expert, I knew these things.

Well, not really.

I just am more okay with dying taken place when it may be the ultimate healing experience for that person.

But with today’s medical technology, we can sometimes sustain someone well beyond what nature may have had in mind and give them a chance they would have never had before now.

That, however, is not my experience, but it does happen.

My “for sure” was no match for crazy (or what I thought was crazy) medical and scientific intervention.  And she lived on.

Your life span, like that of all living beings, is not fixed

Yet, I remember someone I knew telling me that his mother had gone into the hospital for something acute and the family was told that she was riddled with cancer.

There was an emergency that sent her to the hospital.

She was diagnosed.

The family was trying to make sense out of what was happening that night; trying to wrap their minds around it.

She died the next morning… not from the cancer and not from the acute crisis.

As one of the other Contemplations states, we do not have control over when and how our death will ultimately come.

How many times have you heard, “She was the picture of health”?  That was the case with my mentor who died.  Running 5 miles every morning, yoga, healthy eating, great relationships, ideal jobs for her, etc.

Or how many times have you heard, “He smoked cigars since the age of 12 and his mom fed him lard” and he died when he was 97?

We have no fixed time or fixed amount of breaths that we will take.

We do not know if it will be right now, tonight, tomorrow, or in ten years.

And yet, we live like it we have been granted this fragile life forever.

Everyone we have ever known to die, whether a beloved grandfather or a teen idol, has not lived forever and has had that unexpected time come.

Why do we think that we are exempt and will be the one person to make it out of life alive?

And how many of us take so much for granted because deep down inside, we really believe that we’ll be that one?

How long will you suffer with what is before you create the life you want before it’s too late?

How many times will you walk away angry and not say I love you before you are left with the guilt of having not done that very thing?

I ask these questions, not just of you, but of myself?

Will I learn this time?

Will I be more present, more proactive, more loving, more compassionate, etc?

Your life span, (and my life span) like that of all living beings, is not fixed.

With that knowledge, can we learn to embrace it, in a lived, total way, and create the life that we want because we became active agents during the moments we do have here on earth?

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the clouds are lifting

Wow, I feel like I haven’t been fully present for a while.

Since my wonderful trip to NM, I’ve had a respiratory infection and a 10-day migraine so that’s what I’ve been up to for the past month.

I found things to keep the blog going but didn’t feel like I was fully present to it, save a few precious times.

There’s a balance there, right?

Being there, being present, fulfilling obligations.

So a few things have happened. . .

I have started to add quotes and writing on new categories — Relationship Dharma and New to Meditation?

And I’m looking at adding some others — like work on Nonviolent Communication.

When you blog about grieving and dying, you are writing about being with and embrace the life that you have, cultivating kindness and compassion.

Well, at least, that’s how I’m doing it.

And there is so much more to look at.

From one of the polls I took, people said they were looking for more info on meditation.  There are a lot of blogs out there about this topic but I thought I would add some stuff here.  People looking for help with their grieving or living with illness might not know where to look for help with starting a meditation practice so they won’t have far to look now.

And a big part of our “work” in living with illness and living with grieving is dealing with our relationships.  So in grieving, we look at the relationships we had — the good and the bad, the blessed and the problem some.

But what about the relationships we have right now?

What about the relationships we want to foster?

We can’t neglect them or continue to flounder with relationships we aren’t present to.  Well, we can, but in the face of living and dying, do we really want to continue living as zombies, sleep walking through it all?

I will be drawing on resources such as Thich Nhat Hanh‘s book Fidelity or Ellen & Charles Birx’s book Waking Up Together.

But how can you stop there, right?

I will also be looking at material on living and being in community and true communication.

If I had to put it one way, I guess I would say that I am expanding beyond Right Mindfulness to look at the other parts of the Eight-Fold Path of Buddhism and how it applies to our dying, grieving, and living here and now.

I hope you enjoy the expanded view that you will start to see here.  I think I may have dabbled in looking at a broader view but I’d like to formalize it a bit so that it is easier to go back through the archives and to help me see my own bigger vision.

It is so good to be back, to be thinking clearly and not in pain.  I feel rested and really restored in a way, as if a layer needed to be peeled away while I was sick.

And it’s a great time to be back and fully present to this blog — I’ve just gone over 200 followers in the past week and just in the past 24-hours, I’ve finally hit 15,000 hits.  Very exciting to see that there are that many people interested in the cross sections that are my life — my interest in spiritual practice as a means of cultivating the lives we want and the awareness that benefits us in the present moment.

I have such heart-felt gratitude to all the people who leave me comments and blessings, who let me know that these words make you think or matter or come just at the right time.

This blog was originally started as a way of having a life line as I finish the last year of my dissertation — to help me get in touch with my work in end-of-life care and my Buddhist practices as I have been without community for both of those aspects of my life in the past three years.

I am honored that you spend time with me and I thank you for letting me into your lives.

May sorrow show me the way to compassion

May I realize grace in the midst of suffering

May I be peaceful and let go of expectations

May I receive the love and compassion of others

~~  Metta, Jennifer

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Hiding

Hiding (Photo credit: Pam’s Pics-)

“Everything is meant to be let go

of that the soul may stand in

unhampered  nothingness.”

~~Meister Eckhart

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I can tell you this… if you don’t think I am crazy yet, you might just now…

This is a lovely tree behind the main building at Upaya Zen Center.

While I was there, I named it The Hugging Tree.

But I need to back up for a second…

I’ve written about my mentor, Lois, before.  Lois was not a Buddhist.  She was an incredibly spiritual being who was a breast cancer survivor, AIDS activist, diversity champion, social worker, healer, and probably what she was known for more than anything. . . the world’s BEST hugger.

Yes, I am sure if there was an award, she would have received it.

Lois held nothing back in her hugs. . . just like her life. . .

When Lois gave you a hug, you knew that you were being hugged.

Fully body, toe to toe, thigh to thigh, shoulder to shoulder kind of hug. . . this was true when she was hugging her partner Wayne, when she was speaking about dying, when she was at the hospital with a client, or when she was comforting a friend after a walk at Radnor Lake.

Lois died the week of the 9/11 attacks.  Even though we lost someone in the attacks, the Lois of such a wise and healing person was hardly eclipsed.

Anyway, while I was walking around Upaya taking photos, I decided to just lean across this tree in the photo above.  It is located near the place where I did my work period, watering the raised beds containing herbs and other greens.

The view was breath-taking and I just settled in.  I put the camera away and just allowed my breath to become deep and centered.  And tremendous grief came up for me.  I leaned deeper into the tree and realized that from the side of the tree I was standing against, the two parts of the tree came up like arms and I felt like I was getting a hug.

Now, it was my first trip to Upaya, and I had not been on retreat in some time.  I didn’t want to turn around and give the tree a proper hug for fear that a call might be made to the local psych unit.  But I stayed there awhile, nonetheless, and allowed myself to be supported by this assuming tree.  I allowed the energy of the tree to embrace me just as the branches and trunk did.

Maybe it was just being so thoroughly opened by the documentary on justice and reconciliation in war-torn areas?  Maybe it was being around the combination of Frank and Roshi Joan who both embodied so many of the things I admired about Lois, her deeply compassionate heart and gentleness that Frank possesses and her fearlessness and strength from Roshi.

Maybe it was just that I was open-hearted unlike I feel like I can be in some situations I find myself in daily.

But I allowed whatever “it” was to come.  I greeted the opportunity to settle in and feel support like I have not felt in a long time.  I felt grounded, connected, and solid, much the way the gathas goes. . . breathing in, I am solid as a mountain, breathing out, I am as free as the river. . .

Whatever was going on, I was very connected to something very ancient that seemed to be wiser than the conscious mind, deeper than  everyday existence. . . in those moments that I laid my head against the branch of this lovely tree, I felt connected to all those healers, shamans, mystics, mothers, fathers, and priests (priestesses) that have been touched by death and were present to the miracles that accompany dying and those they love.

I might not have my lovely friend and mentor any more but I know have her to share with you and with those whose lives I touch.

She has become a doorway into that lineage of masters, teachers, and healers for me.

We stand on the shoulders of our ancestors, those who have come and share perennial wisdom and compassion and we honor that in our traditions through prayers, chants, devotionals, etc.

I think it is important that we find ways to embody this connection as well, a true lived-experience, and not only in our hearts and minds.  And it is easy to stay in our hearts as caregivers or in our minds as academics.

At least, for me it is easy to bounce between being in one place or the other and I have to remind myself to be whole, present, and mindful.

So, I made a new friend while I was away.  And I hope it did not mind the name I gave it.  I connected to a great sense of tradition and really deep love, feeling part of such a timeless sangha.

I hope if you ever visit Upaya, you go share your hug and love with this tree.  Or you find a tree or piece of the earth that allows you to open and be present to all the wisdom and good in the world.

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People are like stained-glass windows. They sp...

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (Photo credit: Olga Oslina)

A friend of mine posted this on his Facebook wall the other night… I appreciated that someone quoted EKR and that it was such a power quote at that!

I never thought that I would “sell out” for a comfortable life.  LOL.  Well, I might have sold out, but I don’t know how comfortable it is.

I’m working on a post about aging and I realize that I have come to a certain age in my life where I am acknowledging bad choices that brought me important lessons.  I’m realizing that I’ve been spending more time envying my younger friends and how they have the world ahead of them rather than appreciating the world I have right now.

It feels like a lot of things are dying off. . . a lot of things are stagnant. . . and a lot of things have felt futile.

We only have one chance, right?  I know that. . . but I have not been living it for the past few years.  I could beat myself up and then I realize that compassion starts with oneself. . . I can’t take away a decade of constant pain but I can learn from fellow bloggers like William and Marty who are living and thriving and making a difference in our world.

I might not be where I am, but being a prostitute to life, as EKR suggests, in a state of mind and I am afraid that I am not interested in squelching any more of my existence on small ideas, actions, and limitations.

Be here, now. . . because there is NOTHING else!

Peace, Jen

“It is very important that you only do what you love to do.

You may be poor, you may go hungry, you may lose your car,

you may have to move into a shabby place to live, but you will totally live.

And at the end of your days you will bless your life because you

have done what you came here to do. Otherwise, you will live

your life as a prostitute, you will do things only for a reason,

to please other people, and you will never have lived.

And you will not have a pleasant death.”
-Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

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Have been watching a movie this weekend… I’m feeling some symptoms of some sort of cold or something… So I’ve been resting, taking my zinc, reading, meditating, catching up with emails to friends, etc… knowing that I have a to do list a mile long…

But anyway, back to the movie…

So, a woman who thinks she’s dying takes the trip of a life time, says what she feels, does what she’s always wanted to do, etc.  And I’m curled up in my blanket thinking… why do we wait?

Why do we wait so long?

Why do we wait until the end is near or something major is on the line before we drop all of the pretenses and do something real, major, alive. . .

Would we love, devote ourselves to making a difference in someone’s life, in the world, would we show up and stand to be counted if there was nothing such as death?

Could we really exist without this edge?

It seems like it is because of this edge that we take the leaps, throw caution to the wind, not care what others think or say, and well, get down to what’s real….

So why have you said no to someone who has asked?

Why have you not gotten out of the relationship or career that not only doesn’t feed your soul but robs it and leaves you emptier than empty?

Why do you continue to say, tomorrow, some day, when I retire, if only…

One of the greatest things we can do for kids we are around is encourage them to fail, encourage them to try, no matter what the consequences.  It’s too easy to go through life, doing things that you know you are good at to get the A, to get the kudos…

What takes guts, strength, courage, sacrifice, honesty, integrity, and love is be willing to fail, be willing to face that which we do not know and that which we are least willing to be open to.

I probably write this today more so for myself than anyone else.

I think the 5 days away and a few other things that have happened in my personal life have made me realize that I am not living like those people whom I’ve admired… those amazing teachers that I’ve had in my life that lived life to the fullest. . .

Why not say yes more?

Why not let it all go and just go for what really matters?

I have always felt like I have said what I felt, even if it has gotten me into trouble.. but there is so much more to standing up and being present to life than that.

The actress in the movie looks into the mirror and says, next time we’re gonna do it differently, we’re laugh more, love more, see the world, and not be frightened…

Easy to say when you’re dying?  No.  Easier to say when you know the end of the movie and you find out that you really have a long healthy life ahead of you… but that’s not the way that work off the screen works….

There is so much more world out there and so many more people to love when one extends oneself beyond the tightly wound boundaries that we have encapsulated ourselves in…

So right now, I look to see, deep in my heart, what is one place or one person I can say yes to, to make a difference in my life.

Not to leave my footsteps on the earth, but to break open my heart and really feel alive.

Roshi Joan Halifax reminds us at the end of every session, every podcast, Do Not Squander Your  Life” and I recite that to you and to myself into today’s post with great love… do not wait because what we wait for never comes.

With much affection and courage,

Jennifer

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