This is probably one of my favorite “go to books” when I hear of someone dying of something like cancer, ALS, or living with dementia and other forgetfulness disorders, etc.
Our hospice used to give this book to any family that was open to it. Maggie Callahan has been a hospice nurse for a long time and has great insights into the journey toward dying and death.
Here is an excerpt:
“Caring for a dying person is hard work, especially at home. There are medications to be given, often around the clock, personal care to be done, meals to prepare, and sometimes dressings or treatments to do. And despite all of this, the tide of usual day-to-day responsibilities continues: bills must be paid, children must be cared for, laundry must be done. Families are frequently tired and it’s a massive job merely to focus on a particular day or a given moment. The future holds grief and loss, so many families and friends avoid looking ahead.”
~~ Maggie Callahan and Patricia Kelly — Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communication of the Dying.
There is a fine line with being present at the bedside, planning for the future, and forgiving the past if necessary. We are embodied beings, living in our temporal lives. We cannot ignore any of these three time elements.
But we can learn to a balancing dance between them and often we find that it is in being fully present to right here and now, accepting our fatigue and frustration, not glamorizing the past, and not fretting about an hour from now, that we find some sort of peace.
No one can tell you not to live in the past or future. . . it doesn’t work to just say that… but if you can practice living now, with the awareness of the past and future that you may have more peace.
Like when we are on the cushion, we bring our full attention to the experience of the cushion. But the past, future, sensations, thoughts, feelings, etc come up. We lightly touch them and let them go.
It is the same with caregiving and grieving. . . we attend to here, whatever here and now is. We don’t push away what comes up from the past or the future but we don’t entertain those things either.
Don’t set out the Pepperidge Farms cookies and a pot of tea for these things that come up. You want to foster equanimity toward them, not make best friends with them.
Make friends with what is right now and know that when things from the past or future come up, they will — that’s how your brain is designed. Acknowledge them and let them drift away.
Related articles
- Symbolic Language (namasteconsultinginc.com)
- Being with Dying … Alienation (namasteconsultinginc.com)
- Plan the death you want before it’s too late (guardian.co.uk)
- Hospices taking care of dying patients’ pets (miamiherald.com)
- Tonglen for the Dying (namasteconsultinginc.com)
- He is gone (newnewenglandmama.wordpress.com)
- Vet to Vet program helps dying veterans (ocregister.com)
- Bowing (namasteconsultinginc.com)
- No One Gets Out of Here Alive (prweb.com)
- Three things people can learn from dying hospice patients (vancouverobserver.com)
Thanks for this. Tweeted it.
So glad to know. It really is so helpful to families. It’s a quick read. I wish that doctors would share it as patients get sicker, before they are rushing to get hospice in at the last minute. I sometimes would struggle with, do I give the book and the person has to take time away from the bedside or do I give it and it helps them understand what is going on at the bedside? Ultimately, I decided that people got what they needed from it, when they were ready for it. I gave it “early” and when I could and if I met someone after the death, it helped them to reconcile places where they might be stuck and having great difficulty. Either way, it is very helpful for someone who is ill and living a progressive decline.
Thank you for sharing this. I always learn from your posts. I utilize Dialectical Behavior Therapy within my practice to teach distress tolerance and emotional regulation. Mindfulness is a big part of DBT. You discuss so many of the practices that I, too, find beneficial with clients. Keep educating. Keep up the good work!!!
Thanks Kristin. I was down for awhile with an upper respiratory infection and then a week-long migraine so I didn’t post back right away. I know a bit about DBT as I worked with some clients at hospice that had undergone DBT therapy. I would like to see it done successfully. These folks seemed like they could teach the class but had not learned how to live it or how to use the skills which is too bad. My interest in mindfulness came out of spiritual tradition and then to MBSR.
[...] Final Gifts: Must Have Book When Someone You Love is Dying (namasteconsultinginc.com) [...]
[...] Final Gifts: Must Have Book When Someone You Love is Dying (namasteconsultinginc.com) [...]
[...] Final Gifts: Must Have Book When Someone You Love is Dying (namasteconsultinginc.com) [...]
[...] Final Gifts: Must Have Book When Someone You Love is Dying (namasteconsultinginc.com) Rate this:Share this:FacebookRedditDiggEmailTumblrPrintStumbleUponPinterestTwitterLinkedInLike this:Like4 bloggers like this post. [...]