The question
I always find it interesting when people ask about my parents. I’m still young enough that most of my friends haven’t experienced the death of a close relative, especially not a parent and there is still a moment of hesitation when I tell older people that my father has died.
Over the years I have become artful in my response to the “parent question” as many of my friends who have also lost a parent have come to call it. I tailor my answer to the situation I am in and the person I am talking to.
Usually, when someone asks about my parents I reply simply with “my mom lives in Illinois.” However, there are individuals who insist on inquiring, I can see the wheels start to turn in their heads before they respond with an “and your father?” By now I am prepared for it, If I feel up to it I say “he passed away.” Sometimes I’m not feeling up to it though, after 15 years there are still days when I don’t want to talk about my dad’s death, so then I respond with “my mom lives on her own.”
Yes, there are still people who ask more, the people who insist on asking where my father is. I will admit that sometimes my snide, sarcastic wit comes up with “he’s dead, thanks for asking.” or “why do you need to know.” But for the most part, after fifteen years, I answer honestly and shortly. When people insist on knowing more, like how he died or when he died, I politely tell them I don’t want to talk about it, if that is how I feel.
My point in sharing this with you is that children who are grieving will get “the question.” It is best to prepare them in advance. Ask them how much they are comfortable sharing, role playing scenarios where “the question” might come up would also be helpful. Simply a discussion about what the child feels when these questions come up could also be helpful.
When I was young I did not have any friends who had lost a parent, I felt all alone. I have since found some friends who have experienced the death of a parent and feel less alone. It is important to offer grief groups and camps as a way for your child to make friends who have experienced a death if the child wants to experience this.
The National Alliance for Grieving Children has a database of children’s grief programs here:
http://childrengrieve.org/find-support
Or, like I did when I found the program Jen was working in, you can simply google “children’s grief program” and your area to find support.
-Liz Hendrickson
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I personally thought this was a brilliant post by Liz! THE question does come up. Ask any parent who has lost a child… and no matter where you are at on your grief journey, you have to decide how much of you life, and your very personal experience of loss are you willing to share.
I know that this is a tough one. I never thought twice about telling my friends that my brother was dying of AIDS but for family, it was not that simple. But I guess I have always felt that if I were to be judged by that, I did not need to have the “judger” in my life. But I also work with and about the subject of death…
At the end of the day, we need to do and say what we can live with, what will allow us to sleep at night and help us to thrive, not just live. That doesn’t take away the struggle that comes when the question is asked though.
Liz, you continue to amaze me!
Thank you so much Jen. This is defiantly something I have dealt with at many different periods during the 15 years since my father’s death. I grew up in a small town where pretty much everyone knew my father had died. However, when I went to college I struggled with who to tell what about my life.
The most important thing I hope people take from this passage is to share what feels comfortable to them. There are times still when I just do not feel like talking about my father’s death, so I recognize that and work from that perspective.
Right! No one can tell us how to grieve or feel and we need to be able to live with whatever choices we make!
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